Suggested Listening: Röyksopp – Girl and the Robot, Death By Robot – Feed Me, Robert Zombie – More Human than Human

Drones, what are they good for? Unlike war, a lot of things actually. Let’s take away the most common assumptions about the mechanical buggers; you know, the stuff about the government using them to spy on its own citizens, or bomb the living bejesus out of insurgents and freedom fighters, or run totally badass recon missions, or be used for remote sensing, or provide commercial areal surveillance, or well you get the point…

The truth is that drones are capable of all sorts of amazing things that can impact your life much more directly; like for example, potentially flying one down from your apartment in the Lower East Side to the bodega down the street in order to pick up a six pack, because quite frankly, you can’t be bothered to walk down a flight of stairs.

But aside from assisting in this writers imaginary inebriation, the question is, will drones one day destroy humanity or bring us hamburgers, and we answer that question now.

THE HUMAN DRONE TIMELINE

Anni 1920 – 2006ish – Loads of military history and stuff that you can read all about on a really cool new site we found called Wikipedia.

Anno 2011 – TacoCopter, a San Fracnisco Startup with the intention of delivering copious amounts of Mexican food is shut down by the FAA. The CEO replies with “No es muy bueno”.

Anno 2012 – Drones take to the sky delivering pizza boxes to German universities. Darwin Aerospace capitalizes on the idea with the Burrito Bomber.

Anno 2013 – Drones become more popular as household toys amongst kids. Parents everywhere use drones to see if their kids are poking smot. They are.

Anno 2016 – Drones are everywhere, they deliver the post, food, and to the chagrin of disgruntled delivery boys everywhere, pizza and all sorts of other take out. Chinese is still delivered by hand.

3D printing is used to replicate drones, the entire process is controlled by machines. UPS drones are indeed brown colored.

Nom nom nom nom

Anno 2047 – Rapid advancements in human understanding of drones, and other machinery allow for a society where daily chores are no longer necessary, women everywhere rejoice. Now go make me a sandwich, wom— uh, I mean drone.

Anno 2071 – Reginald D. Shuttleworth-Torvalds, son of Bonny Torvalds and Clyde Shuttleworth, a world renown super hacker creates the first sentient AI. It lives on a super futuristic version of Linux called Ubun2. Bono, sues.

Anno 2143 – Machine – Human hybrids Called (Psy-bergs), named after the psychologist, Thomas Goldberg, from Westchester, who proposed human augmentation, are relatively commonplace. Grandparents everywhere reminisce about something intelligible.

Anno 2239 – AI’s are commonplace and humanity peacefully lives together with machine, however, one night a drunk drone kills a woman in Central Park, and all hell breaks loose.

Anno 2241 – After all hell is calmed down, drones quickly dislike being seen as second class “things” with no legal status, tensions grow.

Anno 2469 – The past 200 some odd years slowly escalated issues between man, and drone, drones, able to replicate more rapidly, and possessing more intelligence see human as a lower form of existence, and declare total war.

In the year 2525 – Man is indeed still alive, but not doing so hot, the rise of the machines which happened in the late 2400′s (and not like in the movie Terminator) has nearly eradicated humanity, psy-bergs succumb to the machines ways, and are more or less used the same way as immigrants today are in kitchens across this great country. ‘Murica!

Anno 2663 – Everyone chills the fuck out, because Jim, a guy who randomly was looking through rubble, and Bzzzt, beeep, pop, pop, baroooom, a drone from sector BX-002494, got this.

They mutually find an old hand held version of burger time, look at one another as only man and droid can. Seeing the errors of their ways, the war and destruction, they understand, now, the reason for their mutual existence. Jim, whose voice quivering, asks Bzzzt, beeep, pop, pop, baroooom if he would be so kind as to bring him a hamburger. Bzzzt, beeep, pop, pop, baroooom, in kind replies “Would you?” and Jim says “Of course I would”.

Humanity is saved from certain destruction.

Anno 2732 – Droid, human, and psy-berg together build a warp drive, and head for that nearest earth like planet that we just recently discovered that’s kike 13 light years away. The meek (whoever they are), inherit the earth.

So to answer your questions. Yes.