Who doesn’t like turtles? I mean, I grew up in the 90’s, so the simple mention of turtles has me thinking about one thing and one thing only – turtles of the adolescent, mutant ninja type. Kawabunga, right?
I know what you’re thinking, “Aggressive Turtle? Please.” It happens more than you might think. Just look at this turtle attack caught on live video! That’s not something you can unsee.
Still not convinced? Look at the carnage that ensued after a 16 year-old boy got his FACE a little too close to a 25-30 lb. snapping turtle. OH SNAP
7 steps for surviving an attack from an overly aggressive turtle at your door:
Step 1: Assess The Situation. Is the animal in question in fact a turtle preparing to or in the process of attacking you? If the answer is NO, and the animal in question is a lion, then stop reading and run. However, if the answer is YES (or if the answer is NO, the animal in question is a three-toe sloth) then you are in fact being attacked by an overly aggressive turtle (or sloth) and you should continue reading.
Step 2: Remain Calm: Once you’ve assessed the situation and determined you are in fact being attacked by a turtle (or sloth) try to remain calm. Far too often turtle attack victims die from cardiac arrest in the first two hours of the turtle attack. Control your breathing and remember your training. Try to focus all of your mental energy on a single point, and then channel that energy down your spinal column out to your extremities while repeating the words, “Be. Cool.”
Step 3: Assume Ready Position: Now that you are calm in this grave situation, you must make yourself physically ready. A turtle attack comes on suddenly, but can become a war of attrition and you must be ready for the turtle’s onslaught, whether it be slow and steady or slower and somewhat sporadic. The Turtle might feign apathy, even complete distraction and disengagement. Do not be fooled. At any point during the attack the Turtle can change its course and re-attack.
Step 4: Close The Door: Turtle Attack: happening. Calm: Level 10. Current Position: Ready. Once Steps 1 through 3 are complete, it’s time for the critical Step 4: Close The Door. An action that many of us perform multiple times a day. And yet, under extreme duress, it suddenly becomes nearly impossible. This is where Step 2 becomes vital. Remember your training and begin to initiate the door closing action by extending your arm far enough so that you can place one hand on the door (or door knob), position your hand confidently on whichever part of the door you choose, and begin to move your arm in an arc-like motion moving the door toward the door jam, or as some call it the ‘closed’ or ‘starting’ position. While engaged in this act, do not panic, and whatever you do, do not stop closing the door. Move your arm in a sweeping arc until the door is fully closed and you hear the locking mechanism engage. While your arm is in motion, your feet should be roughly shoulder width apart, and your head at a comfortable position that enables you to continue surveying the situation. Your arm not in use can be at your side, on the wall, down your pants, down someone else’s pants, above your head, holding a sandwich, or securing a bottle or can of beer.
Step 5: Resume Activity: Once the door is closed, and you are sure that it is closed, quickly assess the situation one last time and then resume whatever activity you were engaged in before the attack was initiated.
Step 6: Take a Nap. 100% of turtle attack victims die from the shock of the experience years after the attack takes place. The number of years varies wildly, but what is certain is that naps are awesome.
Step 7: Make Sure the Turtle is Gone. The final step to surviving a turtle attack is to re-open the door and ensure the aggressive turtle has vacated the premises. If you happen to open your door and find the turtle is still there, return to Step 1 and repeat this process until the coast is clear.
Fun Turtle Fact
Harry Connick Jr. released an album by the name of Star Turtle in 1996. The title track was delivered in
four parts across the entirety of the album. An ambitious concept, to be sure, the description of the album sounds intriguing:
“Four of the tracks, namely the four “Star Turtle” tracks, holds a tale of a giant space turtle coming to New Orleans, looking for music salvation. He is given a tour through the city, as they sample the musical diversity, visiting a funk club, a jazz club, and a street parade. These four tracks (“Star Turtle 1″, 2, 3 & 4) are special, the first one is a wild arrangement of drums, horns, guitars and overdubbed, whispery voices. Connick plays every instrument and is the voice of every word heard on the four pieces.”
I mean, I didn’t know Harry Connick dabbled in hallucinogenics, but alright.
Who doesn’t love turtles, kid, amiright??
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